


Shot Through The Heart (And You're To Blame)

by Matsuda-senpai (Amethyst_The_Gem)



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Death, Gen, Light is dead, Matsuda - Freeform, Matsuda Touta Is An Idiot, Suicide, and Matsuda hurts, gun - Freeform, not a songfic, sorrynotsorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amethyst_The_Gem/pseuds/Matsuda-senpai
Summary: Finding Kira's body brings more than what Matsuda bargained for.
Kudos: 8





	Shot Through The Heart (And You're To Blame)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, back at the fics again. This one is a lot darker than my last, so I don't know if it would be appropriate to say "enjoy" or not. 
> 
> That being said, I want to put a bit of a disclaimer. This fic gets DARK. Suicide warning is in order, so if you are unable to handle such content, please do not read this fic.

“Light-kun……….”

Matsuda glanced down at Light, stilled on abandoned steps, his arm and side bloodied from gunshot wounds. His face was smeared with blood, and it tangled and matted in his hair. His eyes were closed, and his face had a peaceful air, a stark contrast to the deranged expression it had held merely hours prior.

“Matsuda.” Aizawa placed a hand on Matsuda’s shoulder, as his form shook. “Calm down.”

“Aizawa-san...” Matsuda’s eyes flitted between Aizawa, and Light’s dead body. “He... I still…” He brushed Aizawa’s hand aside, and stepped towards Light. “To do so much, to everyone, _why_?”

“Because of that notebook, Matsuda.” Aizawa’s lips were set in a grim line. “It drove him insane.”

“I- I shot him, Aizawa-san! He was my friend, my colleague, but he was Kira, the one we were searching for... I hated him. I still do. He deserved death, I know he did.” Matsuda knelt next to Light, and lifted his body, Aizawa helping to lower him to the ground. “But when I think about the fact that I... I killed him...”

“You don’t know that for a fact, Matsuda. He may not have died from the blood lose.” Aizawa gestured to Light, "There's other ways he could have died, for all we know he could have-”

“Suicide?” Matsuda shook his head, “Not Light-kun, no, not _Kira_. He would have fought to live. Someone killed him. _I_ killed him.”

“Regardless, it’s not your fault, Matsuda. It...it was his own.”

“But I _wanted to kill him_!” Matsuda shot back, “And I would have shot him to death if you hadn’t stopped me! I may as well be responsible for it!” Matsuda’s hands shook, and he brought them to his face, concealing tears rising in his eyes. “Kira deserves to be burned, left and forgotten! I know he does! Kira does...but Light-kun...he-”

“Matsuda, they were the same person. You know that.”

“I hate him, Aizawa-san...” Matsuda lowered his hands, his eyes blurred from tears as he looked to Aizawa, “He was nothing but a murderer, but...he was my _friend_. I _trusted_ him. Even when no-one else did! But he killed, and he killed...even his own father!”

“That’s right. He did.” Aizawa placed a hand once more on Matsuda’s shoulder, “So don’t feel guilty. You did the right thing by stopping him.” Aizawa had to admit to himself that Matsuda’s actions to kill Light were...more than questionable, but telling him such now would do nothing short of drive Matsuda to possibly his own death.

“He was evil, Aizawa-san! And I... _I know it_! Even I can realize that, now! He killed...and he...he wanted _me_ to kill!” Matsuda trembled as the image of Light screaming replayed in his mind, of he himself pulling the trigger to shoot Light in the arm, then shoulder, over and over it drowned his thoughts as tears streamed down his face. “He could have been such a good man...Aizawa-san, _why did he do it_?!”

“Matsuda, get a hold of yourself!” Aizawa gripped Matsuda’s shoulders, “It’s over now! He already explained himself why he did it! He had a damned God complex!”

“Because of that book...” Matsuda closed his eyes as a memory of a discussion with chief Yagami came to mind, a discussion of justice, and of Kira. “The chief told me once, back when Kira first appeared, to keep speaking the truth, even about the most little details.” He smiled, but only for a moment, “And...and when Light-kun...admitted to being Kira for the first time, I thought that I was speaking the truth, that he couldn’t...that he couldn’t possibly be Kira!” He shook his head, “I _wanted_ to believe him, but all he did was use us!”

“Matsuda…...” Aizawa stood and stepped back, allowing Matsuda room. “Now you realize how dangerous your optimism was, being in the police force-”

“Is that so wrong?!” Matsuda pulled himself to his feet, “To want to believe in your friends?!” Matsuda gestured to Light, “ I know that he used us! And..I hate him for it!” Matsuda’s chest heaved as he spoke, drawing in air in sporadic, uneven breaths. “He killed his father, and L, and who knows how many others! But I...I wanted to ignore the truth that was so glaringly obvious! _Why_?! I couldn’t bring myself to doubt him! We...we could have saved the chief, and maybe even L!” Matsuda glanced down, his eyes drawn to Light’s peaceful face. “But yet...anyone...with that power...could become Kira.” He whispered, “So when I try to...I...”

“Don’t do it, Matsuda. Don’t sympathize with him.”

“Light-kun...” Matsuda sank back to the ground, “He said that I...should be the one to understand that Kira was justice. I knew Kira was a murderer, I’m not denying that. I knew he was wrong, he didn’t have any right to do what he did. But…….” He swiped at his eyes, a fresh round of tears rising, “Even as we were searching for him, I thought maybe he had good intentions at heart! But Light-kun didn’t care that he killed innocent people...” Matsuda glanced at Light again, “All those people died because of him! And yet...and yet...”

“Matsuda! Stop it!” Aizawa shouted, “It’s going to tear you apart!”

“Aizawa-san, it’s not _fair_!” Matsuda pressed his fists against the cold stone floor, “What did the chief die for?! What did L die for?! For Light-kun’s...for _Kira’s_ God complex?! Now that he’s gone, what was the point of it all!? Did we really do what was right?!”

“We did, Matsuda.” Aizawa assured, “He was a murderer, and we brought him down. That’s all there was to it. He needed to be stopped.”

“I...I defended...defended a murderer! I killed…...I killed him! I...Aiza….Aizawa-san...I... _why_?!” Matsuda sniffed, his eyes stinging as a fresh wave of tears pushed forwards, “I trusted him!” He grasped at his midsection, his chest heaving, his stomach lurching, “I... _I don’t know what to do_!”

“Matsuda, damn it!” Aizawa reached out and slapped Matsuda on the face, his expression hard. “Stop doing this to yourself!”

Matsuda recoiled, pressing one hand to his cheek. His tears didn’t cease, and he sobbed, “Chief Yagami _died believing his son was innocent_!” Matsuda pointed at Light, his hand shaking, “Th….this…. _murderer_! I k...I... _trust_... _why_?!”

“Matsuda…….” Aizawa watched with grim eyes as Matsuda fell apart, “Matsuda, stop, you can’t keep holding on to it! It’s going to kill you!”

“K...kill?” Matsuda snapped his head up, his eyes distant. He pushed against the ground, stumbling to his feet. “I….you’re right...” His voice wavered, broken from tears, “We both did, we both are. He killed his father, but I let it happen! How.....how could I ever face what happened?! I let him die by being naive! Aizawa-san, I can't make up for it!" Matsuda reached to his hip, eyes blurred from tears as he moved by muscle memory. "I......I'm _sorry_."

"Damn it! Matsuda, don't!" Frantic, Aizawa held out his hands, grasping Matsuda's own. "Think about what you're doing!"

“I _am_!” Matsuda practically screamed, jerking his arms from Aizawa’s grasp. His fingers fumbled, tremoring as he gripped his gun. “I…..I can’t…...!”

“Put that damn thing down!” Aizawa watched as Matsuda continued through the motions, holding his gun towards his own body, his finger hovering right next to the trigger, his thumb hesitating over the safety release. “Don’t do it!”

“Stay away!” Matsuda stepped back, “Aizawa-san, please!”

“Matsuda, stop being an idiot!” Aizawa repeated the line he had spoken so much, but with this time it was far more dire than it had ever been.

“”I’m….yes that’s why….I….sorry…. _Light-kun! Chief_!” Matsuda closed his eyes, flicking off the safety of his gun. Before he could speak another word, his finger pressed down, a gasp escaping his lips as he fell forwards, his eyes going distant. “G... _goodbye_.”

_“Matsuda!”_

**Author's Note:**

> And there you have it. This is probably one of the darkest fics I've ever written. I'm not sure if I'll write more fics of this nature, but who knows. 
> 
> As is with all my fics, comments are appreciated, no matter what the sort (as long as they're not rude).


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